I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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