Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
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