Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
