She is in my trunk
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
