why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
