just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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