Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
let's call it "werewolfing"
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.