Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.