I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
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I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
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I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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