found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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