Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
