we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
