I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Randomize
