Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
lets start a swedish sibling band together
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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