when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
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The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
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Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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