Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
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i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
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On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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