I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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