By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
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