Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Randomize
