I can text with my tongue
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
