its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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