Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
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