Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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