I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
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I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
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Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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