Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
