he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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