The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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