fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Houston, we have a blender
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
