I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
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