this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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