I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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