I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
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