I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
that is very illegal...i love you.
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