where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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