Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I just threw up on my dentist
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Randomize
