apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
no, he came in my armpit
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
