it was like his penis was on wheels.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
