Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
