singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
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