Where did you get a picture of my penis
Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
