i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
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Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
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I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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