Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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