You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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