Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I just found puke in my bra..
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
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