i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
