just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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