My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
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For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
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Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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