White coat. Heels.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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