My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
