i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Text me some of your sweat
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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