What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
