I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
