I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
