someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
