if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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