Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
