just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
